History~~revisited

Oh my gosh!  Its been a few days since I had a post. 

I have been writing furiously in my many notebooks in long hand. I am writing a memoir of sorts of my life.   I have been inundated with memories that I thought were buried so deep in my sub-conscious that they would never surface.

Oh, but surface they have!! I have always said to myself, (yes, I talk to myself and I am quite fascinating)  I said, “self why do you not remember your childhood memories?   I have had a few, but they are mostly memories achieved through pictures or old 8 millimeter movies ( ya. I am that old but we will side-step that point with denial)... bits and pieces. Moving pictures without sound…….  my sister dancing the twist with a small little sister (me) dancing beside her mimicking every move in hopes to be just like her.  I was kinda’ cute! The admiration I have of my sister is so painfully evident even when I was 2 years old!

As I have been writing my so-called memoir, the memories have been bubbling to the surface like a small hot spring.

The steam of the memories rising.  Maybe I remember more than I thought.  I have many memories of my rebellious teen years…. I had an opinion and I was not afraid to express it causing many heated debates with my equally opinionated mother! The memories before are blurred and distorted.

Almost like an old black and white television that produces a picture in between static and white noise. I am struggling with the flimsy antenna trying to get the picture back into focus.

I think I will spend some time today…. watching those blurred images that have been now transferred on a DVD and get my notebooks out…..and see where it leads me~~!! To be continued.

“Be-atitudes “

“Beatitude is a possession of all things held to be good,
from which nothing is absent that a good desire may want.
Perhaps the meaning of beatitude may become clearer to us if it is compared with its opposite. Now the opposite of beatitude is misery.
~~St. Gregory of Nyssa

I have been doing a study of the eight beatitudes and I am going to take each of them one at a time and hopefully relay what each one means to me and in the long run how I can adopt these 8 “be-atitudes” to my day to day life. I have found they are very, very relevant today in our fast paced, go go go go society.

So here goes…..

The first one is… “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

This always confused me. Thinking that being poor in Spirit means being lack-luster in your faith. Actually the more I looked into being poor in spirit the conclusion was..”Poor in spirit” means to be humble and to be one with humility.

There is another word I was always confused by “humility” I always was lead to believe that humility is subjecting yourself to be humiliated. Oh how wrong I had been.

Humility is the realization that all your gifts and blessings come from the grace of God. To have poverty of spirit means to be completely empty and open to God and His will for us. When we are an empty cup and devoid of pride, we are humble. Humility brings an openness and an inner peace, allowing one to do the will of God. When we humble ourselves then we are able to accept our frail, fallible and imperfect nature~~to repent, be convicted and allow the grace of God to lead us to the real truth and it allows us to do what is right in God’s eyes not in our own eyes.

Humility is a hard one. When we do a good job, we do want praise and someone saying “good job” which is not a bad thing to want praise and recognition. Being truly humble to me means to attribute all that I have…. all that I have done… and all that I am going to do~~ to God and all the glory belongs to God!!
This keeps me humble and this attitude will lead me to the rewards God has for me.

Next post will be ……“Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

I know some things about mourning so that should be a very interesting study.

in order

My life is a series of crooked lines intersecting and curving around through each other.  Nothing is in a straight line. 

Scrambled and mixed up.  The Spirograph makes up the path before me.

Do I try to follow the straight lines?  Or do I go where ever the path takes me and risk the dizzy ride ahead of me

Taking the dramamine and holding on…………………………….such is life.

In the gray

The dreams start within my brain.   They seem so real that I cannot contain feeling the excitement of the new world that invites me in.     The colors are bright and the time is filled with magic.   So different from the world on the other side of the dreams.   My world on the other side of the dreams is  just plain gray.  Dreary and full of dust and cobwebs in the corners.   I want to scrub and clean this world,bring out the brightness and the colors, but it always comes up gray and shadowy.  

This is my life.  I live in the gray.   It does not matter how bright the sun may be.  I am always in the gray.

This may seem like a drab existence, but I find it to be very interesting. Many shades of gray can be variegated in their hues.   The gray of the new day is one that is different from the silvery gray of the end of the day.   The almost white gray of a good day allows me to see slivers of prisms of sunlight peeking through.  The dusky gray of a solemn day, brings to  mind, eyes clouded with tears.

So even though my life is surrounded by gray, the depth and perception of gray is a beautiful and rich color.  Most people would like their lives to be brilliant and radiant colors but to me that overstimulates me and makes me shade my eyes and if I look too long will give me a headache.

For now,  I will be content with the gray.  With the shadows and the small sometimes elusive facets of color that penetrate my soul.   This is a season of gray.