honestly

If I am being honest, my life would be filled with ALL the things I love.   Sunshine, babies, flowers, toes in the sand and waves on the beach.   Although sometimes, it would be dark skies, thunder, rain and a cozy bed.   Such is my life,  extreme moods.    I struggle on some days to just accept where I am at, and truly live in the moment.

Right now, for instance, I am wondering about things I have no control over~~  the weather, the way someone may or may not react to something,  a friend who is having some problems that I just cannot possibly help with except with prayer and support.

I always want to fix things.  Make it all better.  But then I wonder what is  “all better”  one persons idea of perfect is another persons idea of not so perfect.

The patterns of my life have been a variegated crisscross of not so perfect scenarios some very good and some very tragic, but they are my experiences.  The experiences that have molded me to where I am at right now…… right at this very moment.

The very fact that I am able to say to myself~~  “this is all I have is this moment”  which melds into the next moment…..and then the next moment and eventually become moments that make a life.   We set out to “make” these moments of our lives but they really end up “making” us do they not?

The family I grew up with, make me a daughter of John & Therese, a sister to Kathy, Gil, Jim, Dan and Paul.    I am their daughter and sister Jeanne.   There is no one like me on this earth.  I am me~~ made specifically for this time by my creator (whom I choose to call God)  

I have pondered before at times on whether our lives are predestined or if we choose the path we take and when we ask God to intervene He does, not with “I told you so” but with a kind loving hand that says…… try it this way.  I side toward the idea that we choose which way to go.   God has set a path before me and intrinsically in my spirit,  I have free will on which way to go.   I have made some bad choices and some very good choices but those choices have made me who I am today.

 

The place I am at in my life, is not what I “planned” for my life. I am struggling right now, but I believe that this struggle is making me stronger and although I do not always see it this way, I am learning valuable lessons of patience, endurance and tenacity.

Each day I wake up is a blessing. Each day I pray to be of some sort of help to others and I pray for the wherewithal to be not only aware and observant of others, but to offer love and tolerance because I am learning that is who I am and who I choose to be.

They call me “Mom”

I am a mom,  I had a mom,   Which do I write about?.   I miss my mom, we had a precarious relationship,  but I know she loved me and I made sure I told her that I loved her. She died in 1999.   I think of her often and admit I send prayers up to her just in case she may have an “in” with the powers that be.   All that good Catholic religiosity has to count for something  I would think.  I wish she were alive to meet my grandkids. But I digress……   now on to my own motherhood.

My children are grown adults.  But sometimes it is hard to see them that way.  I reminisce about their childhoods and the good times of their growing up.  The warm memories make me happy and I wonder if they ever think about them as well.  The birthdays, the Christmases, the different sporting events, the dinners around the table.    I shared custody with their dad, and when they were at their dads house,  I missed them but they were literally only down the road  (we lived 3 miles from each other on the same road for the years the kids were growing up)   I miss that time so much.

I have grand kids now and I revel in the time I spend with them, they are growing so fast that I am afraid sometimes if I blink, they will have kids of their own and I will be left thinking “where has the time gone?“  as I do so often with my own children.

They say a mothers love is forever.   I believe this to be true, but it also evolves and grows as your children do.    I remember when my daughters fiance died of cancer,  her grief and the feeling of her loss was palpable.  I wanted to take her in my arms and cradle her like I did when she was a child and crying over the girls making fun of her.   I did take her into my arms but the consolation was on a different level than when she was a child.  She needed comfort that her mom could give but she also needed reassurance that as a mature adult she would get through this awful time of loss.  I was there not only as her mother, who provided warm love and sympathy, but also as a friend.   When she moved from their home to Chicago,  she forged an independent nature and though I am sure it was tough at times, made a new life for herself.   I am proud of her and her accomplishments.  She is a shining star in my eyes.

My oldest son is a tough guy (except when it comes to his own children which he has proved to be a softie and a daddy who loves his kids)   With me he has some issues, things I do not think we will ever “work out”,  but I know he loves me most of the time just as I am, emotionally raw and all,  but he puts on a front of being tough as nails.   I am not sure as to why he does, but I have accepted the fact that he may never come to me and say to me “Mom,  I love you so much ……and then proceed to tell me why and how“   That will probably happen on my death bed and not a minute sooner.   Which I think is sad, but it is how he is and I accept that just the way it is.   I know he knows I love him, because I tell him all the time and I try to show it with respect and in the way I take care of his children when I am babysitting them.   The fact that they trust me to take care of their children is one of the joys of going from mother to grandmother.   A joy I treasure each time I am in their presence.   My oldest is a wonderful husband and father.  My tough guy with a heart for his family and a staunch appreciation for “tough guyness”   And I love him just as he is.

My youngest ahhh, my baby,  is the total opposite.   He is one who goes with the flow, tries not to judge lest he be judged.  He is a hard worker, who loves his wife and they share the life that they are building for themselves.  They enjoy each other.  No children yet, but that will come when they are ready.    He has helped me in so many ways, and never judged me with condescending words or actions.  He has shown me unconditional love that has left me with such respect for him.   He truly seems to be one of the good guys,  with his friends and family.  He is one of the upstanding guys, that you would call if you needed help moving furniture and he would be there with a six pack of beer and an attitude of  “lets get this done and then enjoy a few beers”     I have learned from him tolerance and good will.  But I have also learned that he does not let people walk over him.  if there is an injustice he will call you out on it.  He is the epitome of sensible balance and it takes a lot to get him angry but when he does watch out.  

I love my children just as they are.  I hope and pray they love me how I am.  If I could sum up this wonderful ride of motherhood….. well two words sum it up, at least for me,  unconditional love  When I gave birth to my children,  I loved them more than I could even love myself.   I have 3 grown adult children who I love with all my heart and soul and I am so proud of them.  My mothers heart still aches for my 2nd son  who died of SIDS when he was just 2 months old.   I could not have a mothers day post without mentioning him ~~  as I state how proud I am of my children,  my heart aches for the life lost, the times missed and the raw grief of losing a child to death.   The what ifs…. still enter my mind but I also know that I have much to be grateful for this mothers day.    I am a mom who is proud of her children and now a grandmother who loves her grandchildren with joy and exuberance, as I am able to watch them grow and become who they are…. just as they are….. and I am so glad I am able to love them all of them, just as they are.

Happy Mothers day to me…….!   (and all the Moms who may read my blog) 

procrastination

I just want to write.  I have had some writers block of late.  It seems I cannot form the words to make sense.  My mind wanders, and my hands hurt to type.  I used to write long hand in a notebook and I cannot hold a pen to the paper without my hands hurting.

The sunshine is out again today.  I am still in bed.   It is 9:30 am and I am still wrapped in my sheets with a cup of coffee getting cold on my nightstand.  the coffee did little to help me get motivated.   So I come here to just write.   I decided today would be just writing, no particular theme or no rhyme or reason just type the feelings out and go from there.

Right now,  I am feeling guilty for still being in bed.  I feel guilt a lot.  It really is a wasted feeling.  A real waste of time.  But it does creep into my feeble little brain often.

I also hear a lot of  “should ofs” in my brain….. you should of …….   I guess I should *(ha there it is again) change the shoulds to coulds.   I could go for a walk,   I could get out of bed,   I could choose ……  what do I choose?

I choose to take this day just as it is.  If I stay inside all day, to do what I love, which is read.  that is okay.  I choose to be in the moment.  This moment is filled with good.  The sun is shining, the nice cool breeze comes through my window and it smells fresh and clean.  No stagnant breeze, a cool refreshing breeze.  For that I am grateful.

I am procrastinating,  waiting for motivation to come and move me,  instead I am feeling lazy and not wanted to be motivated to move.   I will stay right here with the cool breeze and wait.  procrastinate and wait.   <<<sigh>>>>   til next time.

It is going to be a beautiful day.

It is going to be a beautiful day.   or at least what the majority of people call a beautiful day.

Sunshine, temps in the mid 60′s.   I have trouble sometimes on these so called beautiful days, people want  to be outside, all fresh with the spring sunshine.  After a long winter, we are like the daffodils popping up with our faces to the sunshine.  The trouble I feel is guilt.  I was told once that guilt is a wasteful emotion.   On the beautiful days I sometimes do not want to go outside and soak up the sunshine and breathe the fresh air, but I feel compelled to by a small voice inside my head that says……its beautiful out, go outside and enjoy this weather.   I am a reader,  I love books,  I read a lot and to be honest I would rather stay inside with my windows open and enjoy the breezes and the sunshine with a good book.  I remember as a kid  and my preferences were just that,  I would rather lose myself in a world of fiction than deal with the world outside.    I did “play” outside when I was a kid but as I got older I preferred the company of my books.   I still do.

 

 

I am learning that it is okay, on a beautiful day outside, to choose to stay inside and enjoy sunshine in my soul.

just tired

You know that feeling~When you’re just waiting to get home close the door, fall into bed. Just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. You’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. You just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you but you. But you are tired, tired of being strong. For once you just want it to be easy. To be simple. But you’re still hoping, still praying. And you’re staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes.

small things

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I had words to describe what is on my mind. I am confused with the world. I am amazed at the people in this world who reach out and help each other. I am humbled by ordinary people who do extraordinary things, things with love, caring and respect for each other. I am thinking about how in our small portion of the world, how we can help each other with very simple, intrinsic and innate subtle things such as acknowledging each other with kind words and actions. Acknowledging pain and offering to help ease the pain with those words and actions. A simple prayer of humble gratitude, and a prayer of true and real concern for others needs can go a long way in making this world a better place. My sincere prayer is for people to realize how important we really are to each other. I do not want to take for granted anyone who is placed in my life, for I believe each person I encounter is meant to be encountered. I am humbled and amazed at all the people who grace my life. Thank you. I do see the small things and appreciate it all

rumpled and warm

The gray sky outside and the drizzle against my window tells me the story of the bleak day.  My bed is rumpled and warm.   I lack the crispness that is brought by sunshine and warm breezes.

My sheets in my bed …. are rumpled and tumbled in twists and turns of my  sleep and dreams of the night before.   I have not left my bed because the warmth envelops my energy and prevents me from moving into the next room with the promise of a new day.

It is Easter Sunday.    I have a head cold and it has seeped into my chest with the wheezing and cough of  an old man who has smoked too many cigarettes.  It goes deep into my lungs and hurts as well as feels oddly satisfying to bring up the phlegm that is settling into my chest.

I have no plans today.  I was going to go to church but declined because of my cold.   I do not need to sit in a church to praise and thank God for the gift of Jesus.   Jesus really is my savior ~~  I do believe in my heart of heart that Jesus died for me and as I struggle through this life,  I look forward to the next life.  Life that is promised me through Jesus.

I am never sure how to approach people who will violently oppose my belief.  It makes me shy away.  Not because I am not convinced, just that I am never sure how to convey the feeling in my heart.  I believe I can only show people by being all the things in my life that God has asked me to be, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control through my actions in this life ~~  that is my testimony to those who want to challenge my beliefs.

I have made a decision today.   I have made the decision to stay in bed. To coddle my cold. To drink cold water and watch Turner Classic movies all day.   I look at the schedule and see I will be watching the  old Hollywood version of Jesus’ life and resurrection. With King of Kings and  The greatest story ever told~~

  I will change my rumpled and warm sheets in favor of the cool crisp feel of clean ones.  I will take a hot bath and sip on ginger tea with lemon and as I take care of myself I will remember to thank God for the all things in my life.