I am a mom, I had a mom, Which do I write about?. I miss my mom, we had a precarious relationship, but I know she loved me and I made sure I told her that I loved her. She died in 1999. I think of her often and admit I send prayers up to her just in case she may have an “in” with the powers that be. All that good Catholic religiosity has to count for something I would think. I wish she were alive to meet my grandkids. But I digress…… now on to my own motherhood.
My children are grown adults. But sometimes it is hard to see them that way. I reminisce about their childhoods and the good times of their growing up. The warm memories make me happy and I wonder if they ever think about them as well. The birthdays, the Christmases, the different sporting events, the dinners around the table. I shared custody with their dad, and when they were at their dads house, I missed them but they were literally only down the road (we lived 3 miles from each other on the same road for the years the kids were growing up) I miss that time so much.
I have grand kids now and I revel in the time I spend with them, they are growing so fast that I am afraid sometimes if I blink, they will have kids of their own and I will be left thinking “where has the time gone?“ as I do so often with my own children.
They say a mothers love is forever. I believe this to be true, but it also evolves and grows as your children do. I remember when my daughters fiance died of cancer, her grief and the feeling of her loss was palpable. I wanted to take her in my arms and cradle her like I did when she was a child and crying over the girls making fun of her. I did take her into my arms but the consolation was on a different level than when she was a child. She needed comfort that her mom could give but she also needed reassurance that as a mature adult she would get through this awful time of loss. I was there not only as her mother, who provided warm love and sympathy, but also as a friend. When she moved from their home to Chicago, she forged an independent nature and though I am sure it was tough at times, made a new life for herself. I am proud of her and her accomplishments. She is a shining star in my eyes.
My oldest son is a tough guy (except when it comes to his own children which he has proved to be a softie and a daddy who loves his kids) With me he has some issues, things I do not think we will ever “work out”, but I know he loves me most of the time just as I am, emotionally raw and all, but he puts on a front of being tough as nails. I am not sure as to why he does, but I have accepted the fact that he may never come to me and say to me “Mom, I love you so much ……and then proceed to tell me why and how“ That will probably happen on my death bed and not a minute sooner. Which I think is sad, but it is how he is and I accept that just the way it is. I know he knows I love him, because I tell him all the time and I try to show it with respect and in the way I take care of his children when I am babysitting them. The fact that they trust me to take care of their children is one of the joys of going from mother to grandmother. A joy I treasure each time I am in their presence. My oldest is a wonderful husband and father. My tough guy with a heart for his family and a staunch appreciation for “tough guyness” And I love him just as he is.
My youngest ahhh, my baby, is the total opposite. He is one who goes with the flow, tries not to judge lest he be judged. He is a hard worker, who loves his wife and they share the life that they are building for themselves. They enjoy each other. No children yet, but that will come when they are ready. He has helped me in so many ways, and never judged me with condescending words or actions. He has shown me unconditional love that has left me with such respect for him. He truly seems to be one of the good guys, with his friends and family. He is one of the upstanding guys, that you would call if you needed help moving furniture and he would be there with a six pack of beer and an attitude of “lets get this done and then enjoy a few beers” I have learned from him tolerance and good will. But I have also learned that he does not let people walk over him. if there is an injustice he will call you out on it. He is the epitome of sensible balance and it takes a lot to get him angry but when he does watch out.
I love my children just as they are. I hope and pray they love me how I am. If I could sum up this wonderful ride of motherhood….. well two words sum it up, at least for me, unconditional love When I gave birth to my children, I loved them more than I could even love myself. I have 3 grown adult children who I love with all my heart and soul and I am so proud of them. My mothers heart still aches for my 2nd son who died of SIDS when he was just 2 months old. I could not have a mothers day post without mentioning him ~~ as I state how proud I am of my children, my heart aches for the life lost, the times missed and the raw grief of losing a child to death. The what ifs…. still enter my mind but I also know that I have much to be grateful for this mothers day. I am a mom who is proud of her children and now a grandmother who loves her grandchildren with joy and exuberance, as I am able to watch them grow and become who they are…. just as they are….. and I am so glad I am able to love them all of them, just as they are.
Happy Mothers day to me…….! (and all the Moms who may read my blog)